This evening I enjoyed a lovely dinner with three former Relay workers, one current Relay worker, a friend of Relay, and a Relay wife.
Like all good dinner parties, the conversation eventually turned to the subject of what one might do in the case of a zombie-apocalypse.
Andy (one of the former Relays, and husband to the Relay wife) has a fairly comprehensive plan of action should zombies attack. I am less organised, but I have made it plain that the zombie (or other world-changing event that might feature in a disaster movie) scenario is a perfect opportunity for me to put into practice my car-driving knowledge.
You see, whenever I’m asked the question, ‘Can you drive?’, the answer is, technically, yes. I can drive, I just may not. In that I know how, I just don’t happen to have a license.
However, the aforementioned disaster-movie scenario is the sort time when there is no law, plenty of abandoned cars to choose from, no call for parallel parking, and a fairly urgent need to flee from zombies, or meteors, or tsunamis, or invading alien forces.
Also known as the perfect conditions for me to become a driver.
However, in reality, I’m not sure that I would be the one with the plan who manages to get away. The characters in a disaster film are separated into three categories: Hero, an ordinary guy (aside from the genius IQ, awesome fighting skills, and convenient pilot’s license), he knows the secret to surviving and always manages to outrun the wave/fireball/zombie army that’s chasing him; Goose, a secondary character, who we come to love before he’s cruelly killed (usually by falling from something tall), causing the hero to weep briefly to the sound of a solemn backing track, before he gets back to the heroic action, filled with a renewed determination to win; and thirdly, Extra, the bit-part player, who might get a comedy one-liner before being swallowed up by a fireball/river of lava/alien death-ray, along with countless nameless, faceless others.
I’m pretty sure that if any of the aforementioned disasters happened for real then I would fit into the third and final category. I don’t really need a plan-of-action for escaping a zombie-apocalypse, because I don’t think there’s much likelihood that I’d ever survive. In the films the extras always try to run, but they can never outrun a fireball, so why do they bother?
I know that I can’t run faster than a fireball, and I really don’t like running, so I’m unlikely to bother spending my last moments on this earth engaged in such an unpleasant activity.
So, I’m an extra. How about you? Which character do you think you are? And do you have a zombie-attack plan?
In summary: too lazy to survive.